Actualizată în: Oct. 15
Warning: This blog post in not going to be an easy one.
Some people might call me "mad" because I have decided tonight that "no, I do not want to write out my broken heart on a different Wordpress blog, pretending that person is different than this one, the Yoga Life Coach that helps women get over their most difficult times and rise up as rainbows after the rain". Yes, I might be the rain and the clouds and a whole tornado now.
But that's not my Real Self. This is just a phase I am going through, as a mere mortal woman who has fallen in and out of love too many times in the past 13 months and actually, counting them all, in the past...17 years of my life - since this whole "love thing" started manifesting into my life as long-term relationships that are nothing but short marriages, if you honestly think about to.
This is just the intellectual me, governed by my ideas and thoughts of "what would have been if..." and "what have I done wrong?" and "what could I have done better?" and "will I ever love again?" etc.
Or just the emotional me that cries rivers of pain and sings "I am a champion"-songs while driving on the highway and wakes up with anxiety after the nightmares, everything in one body, in one day, because of parting from her (future) husband, in really bad terms. By bad terms, I mean "we will never talk or see each other ever again in this life time".
And then, decided to write about, to ease the pain, whenever it comes and takes me away. It happens rarely, I admit and I am perplexed by this, because I am the kind of person what could die from suffering in love.
Luckily, this is not the case anymore - I am perplexed, let me say it once more! I can only thank to The Goddess and to Yoga, the practice and the philosophy, for this tremendous change in my life. I am sure none of the personal development journeys I took would have helped me more than the Indian philosophy about life and living as a Goddess right now.
However, because unlearning and relearning are life-time processes for the Western soul, I am bounded by the rules of "suffer when you break-up, please, because it shows your were in love".
So yes, I am suffering!
Every. Single. Day. Every single day ever since I broke up from my "husband" I have been under great stress. But I learned to magical of flowing from yoga, so I just flow.
I flow through immense pain because of the loss of a friend and a partner for life.
I flow through the amazing memories that for a second, make me want to pick up the phone and text him immediately to ask him to return and restart the love we once had... I wouldn't dare to call him - I would simply choke with nervousness and not be able to pronounce a word. I flow through the changes: moving from a house to another, three times in a row in 1 single week...
I flow through the peace: those moments when I am content with myself for the decision I took, when I deeply realize that I still really love myself so much, much more than I ever had a proof of loving my Self!
I flow through the realization of how bad and abusing that relationship was and how lucky I am to be out of that destructive scenario for myself.
I flow through the denial that I could ever fall in love again.
I flow to the doubt of not having studied well enough about Transactional Analysis in love affairs.
I flow into buying books and therapy sessions that can ease the pain.
I flow through this neutral happening of having to face life alone once more...
I flow through the insecurities of the future, after so many sudden changes this year....
I flow through the frustration of having been used as an object and displaced when no longer of need...
I flow through the physical signs of sorrow in the heart....
I flow and flow and flow again... after having learned for over 6 years that "what we learn on the yoga mat, we then apply into the world". Well, it's my time to apply what I teach and what I have been taught! When I was become 27 years old, my birthday gift to myself was my trip and studies in India, for 1 month.
Today, when soon becoming 33, my birthday gift will be to apply everything that I learned, which includes sharing it with the world...
Yes, I am going through a break-up that serves me good, but still makes me suffer and feel deceived in my heart.
But because I am a women, therefore a Goddess, first and foremost, I don't think I should hide my feeling and such moments of my life behind my daily job.
I cannot be myself otherwise.
I can never say; "but wait, this is your personal life and life coaches should never share their personal dramas with others, right?".
As a matter of fact, I believe the contrary of that! I believe in pouring myself out, as I always have - be it good, or be it bad. Behind a title or a job, remains a person who has feelings and a life of her own.
When the light were off, I used to have a husband and Pyari to hug and to love. I am completely against the ideas of "blame" and "fault"! Meaning that it's not my fault that right now I am just left with Pyari after the lights are off.
And if writing is not only my gift from God, but also my medicine when it comes to love, I rather publicly use it, then pretend "everything is ok in my life" in the face of other women who read my blog. First, I have to be true to myself. Others opinions on what I do is not part of my job. I am so no interested in that!
May anyone think whatever he or she want. I just know that I have, as every free human being in this life, the absolute write to speak and to write. Therefore, I will write.
And I will do it right here, on this blog, and it's everyone else's right to make whatever they want out of my writinga: a sign of weakness, or a sign of... life.
Life expressing itself in a beautiful form.
Life being challenged.
Life being Life - with ups and downs.
I choose to be this Life, rather than a dead body walking around, pretending not to feel anything when Love shakes him or her around. So I will write as Daiana, the human being, the woman, the one that still reads her "aham devi" from her right wrist every night - now more often than usual, to keep her sanity and balance in life.
And I plan to write HERE for as long as needed for my heart, because writing is my birth right to save my life from events that might otherwise through me into depression, despair, illness and death.
I will write as medicine for an unlimited time and if my medicine makes you feel better, please read along. If it makes you feel bad, it means it's not your type of medicine, so just skip the blog and go to other sections of this website - I could never get upset with that.
Enjoy the ride and expect my writings daily, because I am a case study from which I always have something new to learn. Eager to see what I will discover this time from this break-up and broken heart!
With love for myself more than ever, Daiana
P.S.: tomorrow I will share what I wrote the other day on love, when I first tried to write on a distinct blog.